My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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