you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
