Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.