I hate your face
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I pour the whiskey from now on