I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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