you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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