If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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