I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
