i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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