The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Randomize
