just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
