so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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