i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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