He disabled his match.com account in front of me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same