i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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