literally had 100 drinks last night.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
