One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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