But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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