It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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