Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
