I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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