i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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