be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
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How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
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I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.