Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.