when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.