i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
