He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
