I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
