he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
