ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
