Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
