Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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