I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
