Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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