i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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