just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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