I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
