Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
