Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
