is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
