I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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