Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
