I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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