I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
