he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
