no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
