she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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