By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
