what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
