I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
