No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's no shave November. This is our time.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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