he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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