I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize