Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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