my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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