i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
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We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
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Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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