At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
