i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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