I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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